Ok, so I'm obviously no expert in child rearing. However, I'm now five years in, not counting my numerous years spent with children who were not my own while teaching, working at day care centers, and babysitting. With so many people I know having babies, I thought I'd share a little wisdom in the style of a popular email that circulates from time to time. This has been learned first hand, though:
**WARNING** there are quite a few references to bodily functions...
Most glitter will not come off of a wooden kitchen table. Ever.
The words, "Uh Oh. Titos" are not good. Titos (Cheetos) do not clean up well out of carpet, even when the dog tries to help.
The words, "Uh Oh Poops" are also not good.
When a two year old yells, "Mama! Big Poops!" in the middle of a restaurant, many people will turn to look at you.
When a two year old drops the glass canister of sugar on the floor and it shatters in the middle of a restaurant, many people will also look at you.
When you try to find someone to clean up the shattered glass so you can get your screaming stinky two year old out of the restaurant, no one will look at you.
As fun as it may seem, hide and seek in a department store is not really so much fun.
A two year old who can yell so loudly that people outside of your house can hear him can be awfully quiet with playing hide and seek in a department store.
When you hear the words, "I can't find Teddy" at 8 o'clock at night, it means daddy is going to have to go on a drive, possibly a long one, to find aforementioned teddy so everyone will be able to sleep at night.
You should always think before you ask a preschooler, "What's that on your sleeve?" It's usually something that's going to make you gag a little.
Making a five year old try broccoli makes you the worstest mom in the world! It also can cause her to have the worstest day ever! However, later serving ice cream for dessert somehow makes any five year old forget how terrible you are.
Ice can heal any wound. So can a band aid. Band aids can stay on for four days without budging.
There are a lot of power struggles between cats and two year olds. Two year olds win by squishing the cat til she runs away. Cats win by biting.
Any toy that poops is a bad toy. Therefore, Baby Alive is a bad, bad toy because she poops a lot.
There's a secret room in a kindergarten classroom where all of the gloves go and hide and are never heard from again. I'm guessing the kdg teacher goes there sometimes, too :)
Daddies are way more funny than Mommies. But Mommies get more hugs and kisses.
Orange clay doesn't come out of carpet. Not even when you hire a professional to try and get it out.
Keep the bathroom door locked when you're taking a shower. Two year olds can and will open it. When they do, two year old boys will point and laugh. Two year old girls will point and say, "Mommy, what's that?"
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